Calling for TSA Reform Travel Tips by Burleson Consulting

As a frequent traveler I frequently witness abuse from TSA personnel and I believe that it is time to petition the government for reform of this highly-critical homeland security function.  I've seen TSA incompetence first-hand and it's time to come-up with effective security screening that eliminates the "punishment", whereby TSA personnel detain passengers who speak-up against abuse, deliberately causing them to miss their flights.

The conversation went something like this:

"What dat in yo' pants?"

"Um, that would be my penis"

Upon reflection, she may have been talking about my wallet, but the damage was already done.  The TSA agent made me pass through the metal detector THREE TIMES until the alarm sounded, and I knew that were going to inspect my manhood.  But it's not just sexy men who are targeted.  Check this article where TSA allegedly molested an 83-year-old woman and this publication suggesting voyeurism by TSA screeners:

"One particular TSA Supervisor . . .  [has] the Screeners force attractive female passengers to remove their form fitting sweaters so as to provide the leering supervisor with a form of “Free Entertainment” at the expense of the passengers dignity."

Gee, where do they find these TSA employees?

I’ve noted that many TSA personnel present an appearance worthy of the world's greatest slobs who are grossly obese, reek of cheap perfume and have dirty or stained uniforms, not unexpected when you are hiring people in the $12-$18/hr. pay range.

According to this site, TSA does not even require a high school diploma for screeners and TSA screeners have less stringent hiring requirements than the US Army.  By using TSA personnel from the lower echelons of the workforce we tend to see the “Barney Fife” complex, (from the Don Knotts Mayberry character who enjoyed abusing his power).

TSA military impostors in airports

Falsely assuming and pretending to be an officer and employee of the United States is publishable by: “Not more than 3 years imprisonment, and/or fine $1,000.00, 1 year supervised release, and special assessment $100”.

 According to U. S. Army sergeant Mark England, he was beaten by a TSA agent who claimed to be a commissioned officer.  Here, Sgt. England describes the TSA person impersonating an officer.

“At about this time the TSA supervisor who I described above as the male in his 50’s told me he “is” a Lt. in the Army. This person spoke to me as if giving me a military order from a superior.

I asked to see his military ID and he refused to show me. Per “military regulations”, when not in uniform and you identify yourself as a U.S soldier, you must produce ID if asked for it. And for the ISA officer to be in his 50’s and be a Lt. is a little strange.” – A “little” strange? 

“I then respectfully asked officer Jennings if he would please pick up my dollar bill he threw on the ground.”

Let's look at some techniques to help you from beaten or abused by TSA agents at airpotts.

Flattery can help

In some cases, complements can work in making the TSA personnel less likely to abuse you.  While every TSA agent is different, here are some complement suggestions that might be appropriate to reduce your chances of TSA abuse:

“That gravy stain on your shirt matches your hair”

“I just love your swastika tattoo”

“That perfume is lovely.  I noticed it 15 feet back in the line and it really covers up your foot odor”

“Your gold tooth is stunning”

“Your TSA shirt is slimming on you.  It makes you looks like you weigh less than 400 pounds.”

Now I'm sure you are asking yourself if these TSA screeners are really that inept and stupid.  A recent CNN report says that over 1,500 TSA screeners have lost their  uniforms and this only serves to confirm my suspicion that many TSA personnel are inept and incapable of performing their critical security screening tasks. 

Truth in Advertising for the TSA

Employment at TSA requires one-year of screening experience OR a high school diploma, plus a "background check", but they do not say if convicted felons are banned from service. 

Many people agree that some TSA screeners can be petty sadists with an inferiority complex who relish their power over people who would normally enjoy a higher professional station in the workplace. 

I believe that security screening is a critical task that should not be relegated to people without proper training and background.  Over the years I’ve learned that there are a few tricks for running the gauntlet of mean and abusive TSA employees, and here are my tips for avoiding becoming a victim of a TSA inspector:

• Never ask for a private inspection – The TSA does not discriminate against TSA agents with deviant sexuality, nor does the TSA ensure that your inspector is not a homosexual who finds you sexually arousing.  Remember, you must submit to the pat-down even if you feel molested by the aggressive personal touching of the TSA agent. 

  It’s best to have witnesses, especially if you suspect that the TSA agent has selected you because they find you sexually attractive.  Karen DeCoster describes her probing TSA body search:

  "So I'm sent over to Mr. Brushcut Junior and Fat Butch #2. Brushcut Junior was nearly shorter than me, and puffing his chest trying to fill Mr. Big Man Uniform.

  A real twit this kid was. So they sent me to this box area, where Butch #2 is literally dragging her palm up my thighs, and down my back onto my ass."

• Don’t appear professional – As you might expect, many TSA inspectors relish in detaining doctors, lawyers, senior military officers and high-level managers, resulting in a method of reverse profiling that ensures that the wrong people get special screening.  I’ve noticed that the best way to avoid professional harassment is to pack your Rolex and expensive jewelry in your luggage and never wear a uniform or a nice suit when going through TSA. 

It’s best to dress in the simple garb of a religious fundamentalist to ensure that you are not singled-out for a closer inspection.
 

• Never, ever complain – No matter how badly you are being molested, abused or humiliated by a TSA officer, complaining will only serve to make your treatment worse.  I’ve spoken with flight crew personnel with tales of TSA people who have the nerve to detain airline captains, causing delays for hundreds of passengers, solely because the airliner captain exercised his right to complain about unprofessional treatment by TSA personnel. 

  In "Dominate. Intimidate. Control.": The sorry record of the Transportation Security Administration, James Bovard notes:

  "Travelers who assert their legal rights can find themselves bounced. Della Maricich was banned from a Portland-to-Seattle flight on May 1, 2002, after she asked an airport screener to keep her purse where she could see it while he searched it. (Many airport screeners have been accused of theft since the new search procedures were introduced.)  . . .

   

• Don’t appear rushed – I believe that some TSA personnel have sadistic personalities and that they train themselves to detect people with close flight connections, those who will suffer the most from being detained.  I once witnessed an elderly woman brought to tears when she was detained, solely for expressing concern about missing her flight.  It was mean and evil, but it happens frequently, even to war heroes:

On August 2, 2002, a screener at Hartford’s Bradley International Airport poked through the wallet of Fred Hubbell, an 80-year-old World War II combat veteran who had already undergone two full searches in that airport that morning. "What do you expect to find in there, a rifle?" the exasperated Hubbell asked.  He was then arrested for "causing a public disturbance" and fined $78."

Seriously, let’s get serious about the TSA

It’s time to reform the TSA and send the existing screeners to find more suitable jobs as Marine drill sergeants or kinky S&M dominatrix’s.  The bad guys are always on the lookout for vulnerabilities and I’m convinced that the TSA is one of the most poorly-qualified and trained of all governmental agencies. 

Let’s spend more Federal funds and hire “real” professional TSA security screeners who meet the same educational backgrounds as other U.S. Federal agents. Our security is too precious to entrust to non-professionals.  Please join the chairman of the House aviation subcommittee in his proposal to get rid of all TSA security screeners and replace them with qualified personnel, real professionals who want to make security a career.

The popularity of this page on TSA abuse and TSA reform has warranted a survey of continuing abuses by TSA.  Here is a recent case of TSA incompetence:

This article reports that a man was banned because of a book that he was carrying, typical of under qualified TSA personnel and false accusations of passenger threats:

"Godfrey’s father called that number and was told his son was banned from flying United because he cracked "a joke about bombs."

"That is totally false," Godfrey says, pointing out that no one at the airport ever mentioned this to him. Plus, Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) regulations stipulate that any passenger who jokes about explosives be arrested on the spot.

By contrast, Godfrey was never charged or even accused of breaking the law. In fact, Philadelphia Police officers didn’t even file an incident report, according to department spokesman Cpl. Jim Pauley."