The classified section is full of ad for highly paid database
administrators, jobs that offer a six figure paycheck,. yet go unfilled
because you don't know the secrets of success:
|
COMPUTER JOBS - 1500
Oracle DBA in West Bumfucque - No
experience necessary. Readin and writing a plus.
Salary starts at $150k plus benefits and company car. Call
800-766-1884.
Manhattan DB2 DBA - Need
arrogant mega nerd to manage multi-billion dollar database.
Pay DOE and includes private jet and stock options. (213)
555-4935
Database Administrator in Alabama -
Need Oracle DBA with at least two days of training to manage
government database. Pay starts at $230k plus benefits.
British people need not apply. (252) 555-3925
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It's no longer true that you have to hail from Pakistan or India to
be a highly paid database administrator! That's right! Once
you know the secrets, any ole redneck can become a DBA, and in only six
hours!
 |
Introducing the first book about database administration for
Rednecks!
I spent years working with rednecks to develop
the perfect program for teachin' a redneck to quality for them
thar highly paid DBA jobs!
This is the indispensible book
for learnin' all of the skills of a professional DBA, everything
that you need to know to be a successful computer professional.
Best of all, it's easy! While other companies
offer a 2-day DBA school, this here book will teach you DBA in
less than six hours! |
Using my great new book "DBA fer Rednecks", you can see how to
break-in to this exciting and highly paid profession.
You too
can become a highly paid professional DBA in just under six hours, with
enough time left over to wup-up some fresh squirrel fer dinner.
I'll teach you everything you need to know to become a DBA:
- Learn how to be condescending and arrogant, and how to
insult and demean anyone who does not agree with you:
Jen3: That's the stupidest thing I've
heered all day. Did your Momma drop you on yore head when you were
a baby?
- Learn how to talk fancy database words
Erwin: I reckon that we is going to
need updatable materialized views on a peer-to-peer network running at
least 80 megahertz.
- Learn how to build database that only you can maintain
Janet: My schema is so convoluted that
Einstein couldn't figure it out! With "DBA's Fer Rednecks", I've done
learned job security!
Let's hear what rednecks are saying about my new job fulfillment
initiative.
Clayton (shoveling poo with pitchfork)
I slave away all day, and I'm always dealing
with crap. Since I deal with crap all day, I is perfect for a job
as a database administrator.
Zoom-in on face, Clayton smiles knowingly
I even learned to talk fancy, jes like a real DBA.
Clayton changes voice here, talks like a white guy)
"You should always monitor the vmstat runqueue for
evidence of RAM swappin".
It was so easy! I'd thought I'd crapped my
pants on the hard words, but learning to talk the talk makes all the
difference.
Travis (wearing cowboy hat)
Hey, I'm Travis Carter. I reckon that I've
been fixing to be a DBA fer years, I just didn't know how to break-in to
this exciting new field.
Have Travis hold look with his LOVE tattoo showing.
Zoom-in o the book title, and then his LOVE tattoo
Brad (seated, lumination from monitor
lights-up face)
It's so easy even a one-armed redneck can do it!
- I learned where my database bottlenecks are a hidin'
-
I now a knowin why my end-users have bad response time
- I kin
quickly address a performance problem.
I reckon that this
here book is about the best thing ever for any redneck DBA.
and include the URL for the page.
