Upscale Redneck Cuisine
Just for fun - by Donald K. Burleson
People have a prejudice toward the simple foods eaten
by rural country folks, and redneck chow is actually more savory than the
strange crap served in upscale Manhattan and San Francisco restaurants.
the link my notes on the most popular
fast food dining options, but it only includes redneck fast food. This
articles is talking about fancy, sit-down dinner redneck chow.
I was in an
upscale eatery in San Francisco and they charged me $45 extra just to have some
shaved truffles on my steak. Oh, and let's not forget our $100 plate of Beluga Caviar and toast points.
snob Caviar restaurant that serve ONLY Caviar and Champaign, a place where
you can drop $500 for lunch, all while eating bait, dry toast, and fizzy wine.
These restaurateurs must be laughing their butt off at the gullibility of the
upscale dining market.
Haute cuisine is gross
As the food snobs reach deeper into We also see Haute Cuisine features all
sorts of unsavory offerings, ranging from snails served in their own shell
(Escargot), to fungus (truffles) and raw bait (caviar).
dare the food snobs disparage out wonderful redneck chow when they serve this
garbage. It's really scary to realize that millions of gourmands are
gullible enough to pay big bucks for a nasty-tasting "fear factor" dining
experience? If you don't agree that
Haute cuisine is gross, look at the latest fad of eating
The dying lobster is served in it's final death
throughs, his antennae waving frantically. This dish is for people
who like "snuff films" because they enjoy watching the lobster watch
them devour his tail, fully horrified at being eaten alive. It's
the show, not the flavor, since law lobster is much like eating slimy, raw shrimp.
Most rednecks prefer their food
the half shell - Most kids will
tell you that Oysters look like someone blew their nose in the shell,
the first caveman to eat a raw oyster must have been half-starved.
The fancy eateries now have
(like wine lists), where you can choose from a dozen species of slimy
goo, many with "designer names" like
The first person to eat Oysters was very hungry
and Snail Caviar - Escargot is repulsive to any redneck, yet the
French gastronomes love 'em, and they even stuff the dead snails back
into their shell, like a coffin.
The shortage of mature Beluga sturgeons
has also led to alternative caviars such as snail egg caviar, slimly,
raw eggs, squeezed right from the slug.
Rednecks don't eat no snail
- For a real
"fear factor" treat, try the geoduck (pronounced as "gooey-duck")
clams. These are giant creatures with a huge "tail" (which is
Eating a Geoduck is like having a high school dissection class at dinner.
To further raise the price, the Maitre' De will remind you that Geoduck
is an aphrodisiac, arising the libido in women.
Geoducks are said to stimulate the libido
Manish Water -
Many fine "fusion" restaurants are now
incorporating Jamaican haute cuisine,
and we see expensive dishes like Manish water, which must be made by
boiling the head of a male Billy goat.
It's this extra effort and preparation that
allows the fine dining restaurants to charge $80, for goat head soup.
Only Billy goat heads are
used in Manish water
Now, I hopefully presented a convincing argument that haute cuisine has the
potential to compete with this gross stuff.
Elevating simple foods into Haute Cuisine
Creative chefs have been elevating lowly peasant chow into fine cuisine for
decades, and there is no reason that redneck foods cannot join the ranks of
super-snob foods. There are a few important restaurants who have been very
successful in "gourmetizing" redneck foods:
Lucky 32 - This
Raleigh landmark has amazing elevations of redneck chow, and their fried
grits with country ham gravy are to die-for.
Porch - This legendary Atlanta restaurant has some amazing authentic
southern dishes with a gourmet flair. Try the "wild critter" platter,
a assortment of animals hunks that have been killed while hunting.
Traditional cuisine with redneck roots
There are many gourmet foods served today that have their origins in redneck
cuisine. To a real redneck, it's the taste that counts, not the rarity or
This fellow in North Carolina captured worldwide headlines by
figuring-out how to grow the super-rare and super-stinky truffle fungus,
right here in Nawth Carolina.
Truffles stink to high heaven, and no self-respecting redneck would
ever consider eating one.
But the food snobs disagree and truffles cost almost as much as gold,
selling for over $300/oz, and
this NC fellow will make millions of dollars. Say what you
will about rednecks, but we know farming and agriculture.
A redneck Wedding
Let's look at how food snobs elevate simple chow into fine cuisine so
that they can justify charging $70 per entree'.
Inside Redneck Cuisine
Redneck food is a time-honored tradition that dates back for centuries.
Here in North Carolina, you often find recipes while doing genealogy
research, and I've seen recipes for everything imaginable that might stroll
by a log cabin.
|Redneck gourmet cuisine is built upon convenience,
like finding ways to
make a gamey deer into an edible masterpiece. The stakes are high (you
have to be able to "keep it down"), and there are limited resources, so it
requires ingenuity and skill.
As you might expect, the resulting
redneck recipes are amazing and you could never tell exactly what you are
Christmas gingerbread trailer
Remember, we must introduce "snob-appeal" in the cuisine guys and make
them appreciate it that each recipe is the result of 300 years of
trial-and-error. This is the home of
southern fried chicken, but non-southerners don't know that rednecks have
tricks to fry-up almost anything. We even have chicken-fried bacon.
Here is an example of the typical redneck dishes in North Carolina:
|Brains and Eggs
- We love scrambled eggs with fresh brains, and when I travel, I
carry my brains in a can. I take them with me into the
restaurant and request that the chef dump them into my scrambled
They good! I remember my kids at breakfast one
day, talking about how "gross" brains and eggs were, while eating
the brains that cousin Mac slipped into their scrambled eggs!
Dubbed the "poor mans pate'", Livermush is a concoction of
pig innards (head and liver mostly) with cornmeal, sage and pepper.
here why Livermush is a gourmet dream a real delicacy.
is the brand of Livermush we like best.
Buttermilk - A crispy hot
cornbread and icy-cold, hand-churned buttermilk is a wonderful
treat, worthy of the finest La
cirque restaurant menu.
There is something indescribable about an ice-cold glass of
buttermilk with the crunchy perfection of greasy cornbread.
We also have more traditional redneck
gourmet foods, which have nearly been lost to time as a result of the
declining wildlife populations in rural North Carolina. Today, you
have to buy the fancy store-bought canned critters:
Gourmet foods for the upscale
- Chitlins - A lost art, it takes
guts to cook chitlins, but once you clean-out the pig-poo, they can be
- Squirrel - Squirrel consumption
is declining as a result of
mad squirrel disease, and eating squirrel brains has been banned in
some areas. It's delicious, similar to "Cuy", the
roasted Guinea pig from Ecuador.
- Possum -
We love Possum,
and as I?m sure you know, you have to feed them persimmons or the meat
tastes gamey. You can pack them in dry ice and ship them FedEx. They
make a great gift.
Let's take a closer look at how redneck cuisine can dressed-up for
the fine-dining public.
My redneck gourmet food ideas
I've noted a trend to serve cuisine in it's original container (e.g.
Oysters on the half shell).
|I see a real trend in Redneck
cuisine by serving redneck delicacies in their original
In seafood, the latest trend is
to serve scallops in their natural shell, and why not do
something like that with redneck cuisine?
I have had mixed success in my experiments with
and we all know they story of marketing cat milk, but I see an emerging market for creating gourmet
redneck dishes. People will buy anything, if it's perceived as
scarce and dear. Gee, just look at the hyperbole for kitty cream:
Over-priced feline dairy products
Here are some of my new ideas and marketing research for gourmet red
Squirrel in a Cup ?
Everybody loves fresh squirrel, but lets face it, it's messy and the
meat falls off of the bones.
Plus, fancy food folks like to
stuff the meat back into it's husk, like Escargot snails and oysters in their
shell. Well, I got the solution! I've
designed "Squirrel in a Cup?", the prefect solution to gourmet redneck
dining. The squirrel-in-a-cup ? is perfect since the tail acts
as a natural stand for serving squirrel at formal dinners. The cups are also perfect
for fairs and outdoor activities where discriminating diners can have
gourmet squirrel on the run.
I'm still running initial marketing studies,
but my tests groups say that serving-up the squirrel it's it's own
bottom adds to the culinary experience.
Most rednecks love fresh squirrel
Young'in can rediscover the virtues of fresh squirrel, and they
can keep the cup!
I'm looking for investors, so just call toll free 800-766-1884 if you
want to help me market these wonderful new product ideas. You
wait, they'll be serving-up squirrel-in-a-cup? in all the fast food
restaurants soon . . . .
Cooter in the half shell
Cooter is the indigenous snapping turtle, a culinary delight with a
nasty attitude. Cooter tastes wonderful and Cooter has
seven kinds of meat,
so there is reason for everyone to eat mo' Cooter.
Fancy eatin' Cooters are a versatile and as yet undiscovered gourmet food
goldmine. Imagine serving up a
whole Cooter, right in his own shell. Cooter could be served cooked, of
raw, as Cooter sushi, and dished-up in his own shell.
Cooter is mean!
would be expensive for upscale restaurants because they mean, real
food with an nasty attitude. I've seen a Cooter snap a broomstick in half with his
powerful jaws, and they are hard to kill, especially when they "tuck-in"
and you have to cut them open alive with a saw. The extra cost of
dispatching fresh Cooters would add to it's mystique and allow the chef to
charge a premium. Properly marketed, I'll bet that Cooter sushi would rival Fugu (the
venomous puffer fish that costs $80 per serving) as a rare gourmet
Eatin' Cooter has great sushi potential
I'm also hoping that Jelly Belly starts making flavors just for rednecks:
(Also, see my related notes on
red neck art collecting and Redneck
Up North we lack good BBQ- we love going down to NC (High
Point)just for the BBQ. Actually the closest place to us for real Q is a
transplanted Alabama restaurant in Baltimore.
Just wondering, how come Elvis never mentioned pulled pork as
one of his favorites? Is this a relatively new creation?