Upscale Redneck Cuisine ideas Just for fun - by Donald K. Burleson

People have a prejudice toward the simple foods eaten by rural country folks, and redneck chow is actually more savory than the strange crap served in upscale Manhattan and San Francisco restaurants. 

Click the link my notes on the most popular redneck fast food dining options, but it only includes redneck fast food.  This articles is talking about fancy, sit-down dinner redneck chow.

I was in an upscale eatery in San Francisco and they charged me $45 extra just to have some shaved truffles on my steak.   Oh, and let's not forget our $100 plate of Beluga Caviar and toast points.  There are snob Caviar restaurant that serve ONLY Caviar and Champaign, a place where you can drop $500 for lunch, all while eating bait, dry toast, and fizzy wine.  These restaurateurs must be laughing their butt off at the gullibility of the upscale dining market.

Haute cuisine is gross

As the food snobs reach deeper into We also see Haute Cuisine features all sorts of unsavory offerings, ranging from snails served in their own shell (Escargot), to fungus (truffles) and raw bait (caviar). 

How dare the food snobs disparage out wonderful redneck chow when they serve this garbage.  It's really scary to realize that millions of gourmands are gullible enough to pay big bucks for a nasty-tasting "fear factor" dining experience?  If you don't agree that Haute cuisine is gross, look at the latest fad of eating live lobster sushi. 

 

Live Lobster Sushi The dying lobster is served in it's final death throughs, his antennae waving frantically.  This dish is for people who like "snuff films" because they enjoy watching the lobster watch them devour his tail, fully horrified at being eaten alive.  It's the show, not the flavor, since law lobster is much like eating slimy, raw shrimp.	Most rednecks prefer their food dead
Oysters in the half shell - Most kids will tell you that Oysters look like someone blew their nose in the shell, and the first caveman to eat a raw oyster must have been half-starved.  The fancy eateries now have Oyster lists (like wine lists), where you can choose from a dozen species of slimy goo, many with "designer names" like French Hooters and Spinney Creek.	The first person to eat Oysters was very hungry
Escargot and Snail Caviar - Escargot is repulsive to any redneck, yet the French gastronomes love 'em, and they even stuff the dead snails back into their shell, like a coffin.  The shortage of mature Beluga sturgeons has also led to alternative caviars such as snail egg caviar, slimly, raw eggs, squeezed right from the slug.	Rednecks don't eat no snail
Geoduck - For a real "fear factor" treat, try the geoduck (pronounced as "gooey-duck") clams.  These are giant creatures with a huge "tail" (which is really his butt).  Eating a Geoduck is like having a high school dissection class at dinner.  To further raise the price, the Maitre' De will remind you that Geoduck is an aphrodisiac, arising the libido in women.	Geoducks are said to stimulate the libido
Manish Water - Many fine "fusion" restaurants are now incorporating Jamaican haute cuisine, and we see expensive dishes like Manish water, which must be made by boiling the head of a male Billy goat.  It's this extra effort and preparation that allows the fine dining restaurants to charge $80, for goat head soup.	Only Billy goat heads are used in Manish water

Now, I hopefully presented a convincing argument that haute cuisine has the potential to compete with this gross stuff.

Elevating simple foods into Haute Cuisine

Creative chefs have been elevating lowly peasant chow into fine cuisine for decades, and there is no reason that redneck foods cannot join the ranks of super-snob foods.  There are a few important restaurants who have been very successful in "gourmetizing" redneck foods:

Lucky 32 - This Raleigh landmark has amazing elevations of redneck chow, and their fried grits with country ham gravy are to die-for.

Pittipat's Porch - This legendary Atlanta restaurant has some amazing authentic southern dishes with a gourmet flair.  Try the "wild critter" platter, a assortment of animals hunks that have been killed while hunting.

Traditional cuisine with redneck roots

There are many gourmet foods served today that have their origins in redneck cuisine.  To a real redneck, it's the taste that counts, not the rarity or snob appeal.
 

This fellow in North Carolina captured worldwide headlines by figuring-out how to grow the super-rare and super-stinky truffle fungus, right here in Nawth Carolina.  Truffles stink to high heaven, and no self-respecting redneck would ever consider eating one.  But the food snobs disagree and truffles cost almost as much as gold, selling for over $300/oz, and this NC fellow will make millions of dollars.  Say what you will about rednecks, but we know farming and agriculture.

A redneck Wedding Cake

Let's look at how food snobs elevate simple chow into fine cuisine so that they can justify charging $70 per entree'.

Inside Redneck Cuisine

Redneck food is a time-honored tradition that dates back for centuries.  Here in North Carolina, you often find recipes while doing genealogy research, and I've seen recipes for everything imaginable that might stroll by a log cabin.
 

Redneck gourmet cuisine is built upon convenience, like finding ways to make a gamey deer into an edible masterpiece.  The stakes are high (you have to be able to "keep it down"), and there are limited resources, so it requires ingenuity and skill.  As you might expect, the resulting redneck recipes are amazing and you could never tell exactly what you are eating.

A Christmas gingerbread trailer

Remember, we must introduce "snob-appeal" in the cuisine guys and make them appreciate it that each recipe is the result of 300 years of trial-and-error.  This is the home of southern fried chicken, but non-southerners don't know that rednecks have tricks to fry-up almost anything.  We even have chicken-fried bacon.  Here is an example of the typical redneck dishes in North Carolina:
 

Brains and Eggs - We love scrambled eggs with fresh brains, and when I travel, I carry my brains in a can.  I take them with me into the restaurant and request that the chef dump them into my scrambled eggs. They good!  I remember my kids at breakfast one day, talking about how "gross" brains and eggs were, while eating the brains that cousin Mac slipped into their scrambled eggs!
Livermush - Dubbed the "poor mans pate'", Livermush is a concoction of pig innards (head and liver mostly) with cornmeal, sage and pepper. Read here why Livermush is a gourmet dream a real delicacy.  Neese's is the brand of Livermush we like best.
Cornbread and Buttermilk - A crispy hot cornbread and icy-cold, hand-churned buttermilk is a wonderful treat, worthy of the finest La cirque restaurant menu.  There is something indescribable about an ice-cold glass of buttermilk with the crunchy perfection of greasy cornbread.

We also have more traditional redneck gourmet foods, which have nearly been lost to time as a result of the declining wildlife populations in rural North Carolina.  Today, you have to buy the fancy store-bought canned critters:

Gourmet foods for the upscale Redneck

• Chitlins - A lost art, it takes guts to cook chitlins, but once you clean-out the pig-poo, they can be wonderful.
   
• Squirrel - Squirrel consumption is declining as a result of mad squirrel disease, and eating squirrel brains has been banned in some areas.  It's delicious, similar to "Cuy", the roasted Guinea pig from Ecuador.
   
• Possum - We love Possum, and as I?m sure you know, you have to feed them persimmons or the meat tastes gamey.  You can pack them in dry ice and ship them FedEx.  They make a great gift.

Let's take a closer look at how redneck cuisine can dressed-up for the fine-dining public. 

My redneck gourmet food ideas

I've noted a trend to serve cuisine in it's original container (e.g. Oysters on the half shell).
 

I see a real trend in Redneck cuisine by serving redneck delicacies in their original containers. In seafood, the latest trend is to serve scallops in their natural shell, and why not do something like that with redneck cuisine?

I have had mixed success in my experiments with horse milk, and we all know they story of marketing cat milk, but I see an emerging market for creating gourmet redneck dishes.  People will buy anything, if it's perceived as scarce and dear.  Gee, just look at the hyperbole for kitty cream:
 

Over-priced feline dairy products

Here are some of my new ideas and marketing research for gourmet red neck cuisine.

Squirrel in a Cup ?

Everybody loves fresh squirrel, but lets face it, it's messy and the meat falls off of the bones. 

Plus, fancy food folks like to stuff the meat back into it's husk, like Escargot snails and oysters in their shell.  Well, I got the solution!  I've designed "Squirrel in a Cup?", the prefect solution to gourmet redneck dining.  The squirrel-in-a-cup ? is perfect since the tail acts as a natural stand for serving squirrel at formal dinners.  The cups are also perfect for fairs and outdoor activities where discriminating diners can have gourmet squirrel on the run.

I'm still running initial marketing studies, but my tests groups say that serving-up the squirrel it's it's own bottom adds to the culinary experience.
 

Most rednecks love fresh squirrel

Young'in can rediscover the virtues of fresh squirrel, and they can keep the cup!

I'm looking for investors, so just call toll free 800-766-1884 if you want to help me market these wonderful new product ideas.  You wait, they'll be serving-up squirrel-in-a-cup? in all the fast food restaurants soon . . . .

Cooter in the half shell

Cooter is the indigenous snapping turtle, a culinary delight with a nasty attitude.  Cooter tastes wonderful and Cooter has seven kinds of meat, so there is reason for everyone to eat mo' Cooter.

Fancy eatin' Cooters are a versatile and as yet undiscovered gourmet food goldmine.  Imagine serving up a whole Cooter, right in his own shell. Cooter could be served cooked, of raw, as Cooter sushi, and dished-up in his own shell.

Cooter is mean!

Cooter would be expensive for upscale restaurants because they mean, real food with an nasty attitude.  I've seen a Cooter snap a broomstick in half with his powerful jaws, and they are hard to kill, especially when they "tuck-in" and you have to cut them open alive with a saw.  The extra cost of dispatching fresh Cooters would add to it's mystique and allow the chef to charge a premium.   Properly marketed, I'll bet that Cooter sushi would rival Fugu (the venomous puffer fish that costs $80 per serving) as a rare gourmet treat.

Eatin' Cooter has great sushi potential

I'm also hoping that Jelly Belly starts making flavors just for rednecks:

(Also, see my related notes on red neck art collecting and Redneck Philosophy.)