 |
Just for Fun. . .
Understanding Redneck
Philosophy
March 5, 2004 -
Donald K. Burleson
|
The term "redneck" is often misunderstood by those north
of the Mason-Dixon line. Many Yankees misunderstand this beloved
term of endearment and treat the word as if it were some kind of
insult. A true Southerner understands that achieving the state of
Redneck is a noble pursuit. The guiding principles of Redneck
philosophy are easily misunderstood by outsiders, so let's take a
closer look at the goals of those who strive for the state of Redneck.
Also, see my related notes on
red neck art collecting,
Redneck lawn
ornaments and
Redneck Cuisine ideas.
The Redneck Philosophy
Being a "real"
Redneck is so much more than driving a pick-up truck and naming your
dog Bubba. A true Redneck does not feel the need to
impress people with the outward trappings of superficial wealth and a
real Redneck is perfectly comfortable in an Armani suit or a stained
t-shirt.
Redneck art is now being sold in the top galleries, and make sure
to read by notes redneck animal
art.
Rednecks truly feel sorry for the poor bastards who worked their
ass-off for 8 years in college only to become a corporate slave, all
this hard work just to get a decent BMW and Rolex. You see, a
real Redneck never feels the need to brag and they would not think
of mentioning to hard working yuppies that their 80 acre farm is
with eight million dollars of that they have $5,000,000 in farm
equipment that they only use a few weeks each year. Without
trying to sound too much like Jeff Foxworthy (a great comedian, but a
tad misinformed about Redneck theology), let me try to explain the
basic tenets of achieving a state of Redneck:
- Sense of inner Peace - The true Redneck is at-peace with
the world. They always feel safe (not just because they have
guns in every room of their home), and they are not concerned with
what others may think of their Redneck lifestyle.
- High sense of Duty and Honor - A true Redneck will defend
their Sacred Honor and will not tolerate those who disparage their
families, traditions or loved-ones. Many a surprised New
Yorker has pondered this while visiting the Emergency Room after
flipping-off a Redneck.
- Disregard for Time - A true Redneck does not respect
man-made timelines and lives life one day at a time. A true
redneck may put a car up on-blocks for a decade before restoring it.
- Disregard for man-made Mores - A true Redneck will follow
their tastes and desires without regard for social customs and
"appropriate" behavior. Because the Redneck is not constrained
by outsider opinions and Madison Avenue dictates about taste, they
are free to embrace whatever they like without guilt or remorse.
- Honors their Ancestors - A real redneck know details
about every one of their ancestors who fought in the Civil War and
American Revolution. An ardent patriot, a true redneck will
always fly the Star Spangled Banner right above the Stars and Bars
on every national holiday. A true redneck will also
participate in ware reenactments as a way of honoring the redneck
sacrifices of their ancestors.
- Eschews wealth - My cousin Sara-Ruth lives on land with a
massive garden and all of her own livestock. She even has a
banana tree and the only things she buys are sugar and coffee.
Her house and property were paid for centuries ago when our
great-great-great Grand-daddy Aaron Burleson received it from the
Continental Congress, thanking him for fighting in the American
Revolution. They live a simple and free life with none
of the conventional worries about money and impressing the Jones's.
Living around rednecks has had a profound effect on my way of
looking at life. I once visited a cousin in my fancy new car
and made what Rednecks Theologists call the "sin of pride" when I
mentioned that my new car costs me a fortune. In good humor he
pointed over to a giant farm tractor and said "Wall, I'm impressed.
See that reaper over there? She cost me over
$200,000, I paid cash money, and I reckon only take her out a few weeks a
year". Man, did I feel humbled in the presence of such
profound Redneck wisdom, and I never bragged to anyone again.
Sure, the tenets and promises of the Redneck Theology seem like
unachievable goals, but I'm told that with years of conscientious
study and practice, a true state of Redneck is achievable, even for
a sinner like me.
Now I ask you, how am I doing as a Redneck?
While I freely admit
that I am but a neophyte, I have studied Redneck Theology for years
and tried to mold my life like those who possess the true
inner-peace of Redneck nirvana. While I normally don't like to
brag, I think I've made great progress toward my quest for Redneck
nirvana.
Here is me and my little Rottweiler, " Bear". Other people
says she is mean and dangerous (she once pinned meter-reader into a
corner for three hours), but I love her anyway.
My Redneck studies have also given me the freedom to collect art.
A real Redneck buys what they like without regard for the opinions
of the art-snobs, and I'm making significant progress.
Here is
my most-prized artwork, an alien face made from the rear-end of a deer carcass.
(The aliens beard is the deer's tail, Can you guess which part the mouth is?) Only a real Redneck would
appreciate the insight and creativity required to compose this bold
artistic statement about 21st Century society.
Here is me with my Redneck mentor D.S., my role-model who tutors
me in the finer points of Redneck theology. D.S. is a
Redneck's Redneck, free of the constraints of conventional society. A wealthy landholder, D.S. chooses to live in a modest home and
has no desire to impress anyone with the trappings of his personal
wealth.
My ancestors have fought in every major conflict including the
American Revolution and both my Great-Grandparents fought at
Gettysburg. Hence, I'm getting in touch with my redneck
obligations above by preparing for a Civil Ware reenactment with my
friends Mike Ault and Harry Conway, ready to get us some Yankee
invaders.
Redneck chicks really dig the uniforms, and the horse are a big
redneck plus, too.
Here is "Old Yeller", my 1957 Chevy Dually. She's a beauty,
eh?
I have a hard time driving her on weekends because my teenage son
uses her to pick-up girls.
I've been meaning to fix-up this car for over six years now, and
someday I'll get around to it. I think it makes a great yard
ornament.
I enjoy having livestock in the house and my wife Janet uses our
shower for her ponies.
Part of the Redneck Theology is doing whatever you want
without the pressures of social customs. Smoking is considered
socially unacceptable, but being a licensed North Carolina tobacco
auctioneer, I feel it's my duty to support the "Golden Leaf".
I've also taken to working naked, and I find this very freeing,
allowing me to express my inner Redneck. It's also ensures
that people knock before entering my office.
Any Redneck scholar will tell you that horses are better than
people any day.
In any case, I don't want this to come-off like I'm
bragging because I still have a long way to go on my journey for
inner peace. With the help of my friends and mentors I
continue my journey into the deep mysteries of the Redneck Theology
and I continue to work hard to someday achieve a true state of
Redneck. What we really need is an airline
dedicated to Redneck Cruise travel:
Also see:
Preventing Hippies
Comments from Redneck Readers:
I think you are well on your way to “redneck nirvana”. The mere fact
that you are consulting with guys like D.S. and have been in pursuit
of this elevated state of mind puts you way ahead of the rest of the
pack.
You know what they say if you’re not the lead dog in the pack right?
The view never changes. Anyway, I won’t keep you long. I just
wanted to let you know that I approve of your redneck beliefs.
This is coming from a true “high-tech redneck”, a 20 year IT person
with 8 years of Oracle DBA scars notched on my laptop and just to
give you an idea of where I came from, Tammy Wynette was my baby
sitter. (For real! – That’s scary. Huh?)
Take care and keep up the great work! That’s a fine team of guys
you’ve got there.
Sincerely, Keith Wilson, “high-tech redneck DBA from Alabama”
First of all, I absolutely love Mr. Burleson's piece
on Redneck Philosophy... I've never been more entertained (or
educated, as I am a young Yankee) at work so far in my young career.
Second, after reading it I truly believe I am a Redneck at heart, as
I'd easily be just as comfortable in a suit and tie as I would in my
destroyed jeans and white undershirts.
Third, your stallion is gorgeous. And fourth, even
if I'm not eligible for Redneck Status, at least I can thoroughly
appreciate it....
Chad White
Toledo, Ohio
 |
