Becoming an Oracle Proctologist

6 February 2009

According to Justin Kestelyn of Oracle Corporation, Oracle is sponsoring an OTN Architect Day event, "For Architects, By Architects". The event goes on to say that this For Architects, By Architects event is for:

Solutions Architects
Applications Architects
Enterprise Architects

But what exactly, is an Oracle architect? I've been a DBA for 25 years, and I've never heard of these new job titles, so I asked the OTN moderator. Rather than answer the question, Justin Kestelyn (the OTN moderator) chose to delete the question, and suggested that I should not question these things. However, the State of California notes that you cannot use the word "architect" in your your title without a proper license:

"Under existing law, only a person who is licensed by the Board as an architect is permitted to use the title architect or any terms confusingly similar to the word “architect.”

Here in North Carolina, if you use titles like Architect, Physician, Policeman, Engineer or Veterinarian without earning them you wind-up on the chain gang! (They really do have chain gangs in NC)

chain gang
Posers do jail time in North Carolina

Evidently, in some States, job titles still have meaning, and in order to call yourself an "architect" or "engineer", you must have the appropriate license.

Posers in Oracle technology

One of my pet peeves is people who anoint themselves with lofty titles that they have not earned, like the janitor who calls himself a "custodial engineer". I hate Fake Engineers, Fake war heroes, and I especially hate buttholes who skip college and just give themselves a titles that real kids work hard to earn.

Far and away, people who give themselves these titles tend to be hiding their real qualifications, and many of them are trade school graduates posing as college educated professionals.

For example, look at this non-college educated poser, advising people on how to become a database architect!

For the record, I'm sick of watching helplessly as posers and fakes hurt people. Awhile back I reported a woman who was practicing Veterinary Medicine without a license, and she killed several horses before she was stopped. All she got was a warning, but at least I stopped the killing.

These posers can also kill you! I was recently in need of medical care at-sea, and I was mangled by a "quack physician" who got his medical training in Africa!

Becoming an Oracle Proctologist

Since I detest poser and fakers, and I guess that makes me an Oracle Proctologist.

Since people are now free to make-up job titles, I'd like to propose that an Oracle Proctologist is someone who works with Oracle buttholes:

Oracle Engineers - While this is a legitimate job titles for "real" software engineers, the title of engineer is also popular among high school graduates those who feel insecure and don't want Mom to know that they flunked out of DeVry. For example, this foreigner says that he can call himself a Database Engineer because "I sure do use scientific knowledge for solving practical problems, so I AM a Database Engineer".
Oracle Architects - This one is an all-purpose poser title, impressive, yet ambiguous enough to allow anyone who can read and write to "pass" as a college graduate.
Oracle Scientists - I don't know who coined this ridiculous job title, but it implies that whoever uses it does not understand that Oracle is a man-made software program! There is even a network of Oracle scientists! What's next, the MS-Word scientist?
Oracle Experts - It's very common over the internet for people to call themselves an Oracle expert, and it's usually an indicator that they have no job experience. The word "expert" is derived from "experience", and even Oracle Corporation is jumping on to the bandwagon with their "Oracle Certified Expert" (OCE), is a joke, an accolade that requires no experience whatsoever.

While everyone know that the Internet is full of posers, it's sad that one of the world's largest software companies is now facilitating this nonsense by handing out impressive job titles.

As a rule-of-thumb, it's a safe bet that anyone who uses a lofty job title, yet hides their resume and credentials is probably a poser.

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